Thank you for hearing me...

I declare, that there’s no one on earth, who is as sweet and lovely as my boyfriend. How can he stand such a “complicated” little being as me !?
 I never knew exactly what were the roots of “jealousy” , in my life I mean. I am talking about jealousy because my sweetheart and I had a conversations about it few minutes ago. It’s not nice to admit that I am jealous, because when I say that I also adimit that I am insecure concernig the love of others for me.
Where does this feeling come from?
I was wondering, and I came up with the conclusion that it all started because of the way I was raised. I mean, my father never showed any kind of love fo me, and my mother, at the same time she sis show lots of love, she also frequentely threatned me of abandonment, in case I was not what she wanted me to be.
I was always so scared of being alone. I was always giving my best, and still it was never enough. Things got worse when I realized how different I am from all my family, in all ways... Our ideas don’t match, and our sexual tendencies... Then I felt completely lonely.
It became very usual, to feel celularly alone and distant from any kind of reciprocity, but still remained the hope of finding someone else to catch that drift. Someone to share opinons, and agree, and agree in disagree. Someone to be not only lover, but also son and father, brother and brother. Someone to talk about philolophy while drinking beers and blurping. Someone fascinated by human nature, and not afraid of experiencing and learning, even being aware of all it might cost.
As the hope remained, I was gladly blessed with the presence of very special people in my  life. In this particular moment, I am sure I am blessed with the presence of someone more than special, a man who goes beyond limits and boundaries to find his own way to happyness. Yes, Yves Peeters is his name. And I am very proud I am part of his life now. I really love him (still the word love seems not to be enough).
But then, I am caught in jealousy crisis, wich happen in most unexpected situations. And yet I know he offers me no reasons to rise these feelings, I do argue about unexistent situations.
Yes, honey. It’s just the old fear of abandonment. It’s the fear of not experiencing the bliss that is in store for us; something that’s been in me for a long time and I had never really stopped to analyse.
Well lieverd, I had told you I am everything... I am sweet, and lovely, and wise and a sexaholic... I am pathetic, hatefull, dumb and self-numbing... But still being so many things, I only have one heart, and it’s completely in your hands.
Ik hou van jou

Postado por: Sméagol às 18h34
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E ae povo...

Bem... O post hoje é em português mesmo. Sei que meu amore às vezes entra aqui, mas dessa vez se quiser entender, vai ter que pedir tradução.  As coisas andam muito difíceis por uma lado e , por outro, estou bem sereno. Decidi fechar a escola (pois é, eu tenho uma escola de Idiomas), pois estou começando a acumular dívidas. E, para não tornar tudo em "bola de neve", eu paro por aqui... Triste porque perco muita grana, e ale´m disso, fico desempregado  Mas a vida é assim  mesmo. Pelo menos eu aprendi muitas coisas.

Bola pra frente. Além disso estou feliz demais, por estar amando. Que coisa.. quando estou amando, pode cair o mundo que eu num fico tão desesperado... O Yves está me  fazendo um bem tão grande  hoje eu recebi um pacote dele... Precisam ver... A carta, o poema... E outras coisas de um significado tremendo... Nuima das frases, ele escreve que fui enviado por deus. Que lindo!

Pois é.. Futuro imediato incerto. Mas sei que tudo tem seu tempo, e sei que a única maneira de sobrepujarmos problemas é passando por eles. O mais rápido, melhor

Ah.. Só para terminar: Hoje eu vinha com o pacote do Yves debaixo do braço, pela calçada, todo feliz... Aí tinha uma criança, um menininho, que ficou sorrindo pra mim, e estendeu o bracinho e me deu uma balinha Fiquei tão feliz! Um gestotão simples, mas vindo de uma criança... Nossa, é muito legal!

Bem.. É isso povo... Vou parar por aqui pq estou com fome (issu mesmo, fome!) e tb estou muito cansado... Assim que possível volto...

Abraços

- Postado por: Sméagol às 18h39
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Hello people!!  First of all: My friend Diana Z, one of the best female writer I have ever met posted in my new blog!!! Thax Diana !!

I don't have much time to write today, so I will just post a little poetry I wrote on the 08th of september.

IK HOU VAN YOU, LIEVERD

 

Changes

Trying to mend the pieces of a broken heart
Was so sure love and reciprocity didn’t walk together
I’d say “never gonna love again, never again”
I didn’t know the grief would not burn in forever
Until you came...

Changes have begun
And I’m turning out to be a better someone
And I’m doing things I thought I’d never do
Changes have begun
And shadows are disapearing as your light comes in
And never-ending self punishment is over now
Changes have begun

I was glued to former life remembrances
I was lost in restless self-questioning matters
Being conforted by people who’d charge for a hug
Getting used to numb myself not to feel so wrong
Until you came...

Changes have begun
And I’m turning out to be a better someone
And I’m doing things I thought I’d never do
Changes have begun
And shadows are disapearing as your light comes in
And never-ending self punishment is over now
Changes have begun

I went into mourning for a long time
I drowned myself into rules,work, no resting
I’d forgotten there was a heart inside
Still I prayed silently someday you’d come
Now you are here...

Changes have begun
And I’m turning out to be a better someone
And I’m doing things I thought I’d never do
Changes have begun
And shadows are disapearing as your light comes in
And never-ending self punishment is over now
Changes have begun

- Postado por: Sméagol às 23h52
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“Forget the doubts. It’s time to get out of he merry-go-round. Make a goal and go for it.” That’s what Barbara told me.
I was really in doubt. I needed to talk to him, and I did.
He had bad experiences in the past, about a guy who he helped to get there in Belgium. The guy “took advantage” of him. I mean, I don’t wanna talk about it here, because I just know somethings about it. But I do know it was a very bad situation.
So, as I have reasons to be afraid of getting hurt and being deceived, he has too. But he said he will not compare past and present-future. I decided not to compare either.
I decided that I have to give love a chance. I will take the chance. IT IS A BIG RISK. BUT I WILL NOT LET UNCERTAINTIES GET ON MY WAY AND PUSH ME AWAY FROM MY LOVE.
We talked about me going there and all things that might happen. We both are aware of these things, and we agreed about being together.For real.
I love him very much, and despite all the big changes my life will go thru and all this “extraordinary” situation we are, I know I can trust him.
So, decision is made. I am gong to Belgium in the end of the year.
Posso quebrar a cara. Mas se eu não arriscar. Posso também, perder a chance de ser feliz.
Qualquer coisa, a gente recomeça, como em tantas outras vezes...


- Postado por: Sméagol às 22h21
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(Listening to George Michael)
Yesterday I went to the movies with my cousins, to watch “OLGA” . I think it’s the best movie of the year. It reminded me of my father.The movie’s about “Comunism”, especifically about “Olga Prestes”. She had a mission of being a bodyguard of “Carlos Prestes”, and my father also was Prestes’ bodyguard in some missions here in Brazil.  The movie tells their love story, with all the cruelty of brazilian former military government, exactly as my father used to tell me. He used to describe jail and tortures and, the showed exactly as he said. I cried like a baby.. Sucj a sad and beautiful story. Olga and Carlos fell in love, even when both got arrested, the still loved each other very much... They were years in jail, and, unfortunatelly they never saw each other anymore. But the letters they wrote were filled with courage and love. It touched my heart deeply. Very deeply.
Well... As for myself, I talked to Barbara again. She really wants to help me to get out of here, and she wants me to go to USA. They would sponsor me and I would get directly to the university there (as she is a professor). She told me to check everything that is necessary to get there taht they are commited to help me.
But... I have my love... I want to stay near him.. I love him so much, and I know that, when we spend time together here, it will be even more difficult to stay far from him. See, I am listening to George Michael’s songs, and I am imaginig him, now, laying in his bed.. Sleeping calmly...As a baby... And I can almost hear his breath and feel the heat of his body. And I wish I was holding him now...
I have been thinking.. Going to US is quite difficult, and I am not willing to live there. I know it’s the best option if I think rationally and put feelings aside. I would be studying, living with my “parents”, not having to learn another language. Everything would be easier for me.
Going to Belgium would be more difficult... A new language, having to depend on Yves for a while untill I find a job , and to stay there I would have to get married. Are we prepared for that?
I know I can’t compare my past experiences with teh preent os immediate future, but I can learn somethings. I went to live with Luka, he was so sweet... And in some months everything changed.. When he got tired, he thru me out of his door... He told me to pack my things and go away. And I lost everything.
Would I take the chance of going thru all this again? What is life trying to show me?
Sweetheart.. I love you so much... But I am getting confused...
I need to talk to you.
Ik hou van jou, lieverd...


- Postado por: Sméagol às 01h31
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Arriving from the night club. Why do I go there? I like to dance (even though I have no coordination at all... it is really funny to see me dancing!) and I needed a beer... But, all I did was to stop and analise situations and people. And imagine how would it be if I were near my sweetheart.
Lots of people, the club was really crowded. But the same old intentions and fears in disguise... Same old loneliness showing in every move they made, in every effort to look sexy or at least interesting. Same arrogant attitude of people who keep thinking they’re the last ice-cold coke in the Sahara desert. Who they think they are, when it’s clearly showing they all are so empty of love, and that their intelligence would not equate wisdom (not for now, at least). When it shows they’re unable to share any kind of feelings other than sexual ones.
It’s sad. I wish I could tell them: “Wake up!” Life’s much more than spend the night waiting to be seen. Don’t go after the butterflies.. Take good care of your own garden , that way butterflies will come naturally.
I met some people I didn’t expect nor wanted to. But, anyway, it was good to meet them. I could think about some situations in the past. And I felt really good. I realized there was some development in me. I grew up a little, concernig certain attitudes I used to have.
Yes.. The only way out of this mess is going through all of it, and learn, learn , learn...!
Out Is Thru.

Te amo, Yves Peeters.

http://www.out-is-thru.fotoblog.uol.com.br

- Postado por: Sméagol às 04h31
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Listening to Sinead O’Connor and thinking about some aspects of my personallity. Gosh! I got frustrated ‘cause I realized that I give too much love sometimes and I speak too much. Analysing my past, when I dated someone (just for fun) people ususally fell in love with me, but I usually didn’t. Then, they always would tell me nice, sweet words and everything, and that sometimes, is kind of boring. On the other hand, when I fall in love, I start spending all my so-called love-dictionay, and consequently I get to be a boring person, and also someone who gives the impression of having low-selfsteem (wich I must confess is not totally wrong).
The biggest problem is that I have tendencies of thinking that giving compliments makes the loved ones feel confortable. I see it’s not totally true. Maybe, besides being a way to show some more love, it’s also a way to keep on repeating to myself, that this time I am not mistaken... That the person is really someone worth it. When Luka and I broke up, he told me something : “ You were too good. That’s the problem. Too much love and attention.I am not used to that. Maybe, if you didn’t care so much...” Am I nuts or people don’t know what to do when they are loved for real?!
Aii... My crazy mind allows me to go deep into so many possibilities, deep in a lot of bullshit, actually. Any way... I will post some parts of two songs here.. Two songs that illustrate a little of what I want to say: “Precious Ilusions” and “Doth I protest Too much” , both from Alanis Morissette.

Precious Illusions (parts)

you'll rescue me right? in the exact same way they never did..
I'll be happy right? when your healing powers kick in

you'll complete me right? then my life can finally begin
I'll be worthy right? only when you realize the gem I am?

these precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was defenseless
and parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

Doth I protest too much (parts)
 
I´m not needy
I don´t get clingy much
I´m not scared
I´m not afraid as such
I´m not dependent
Rock solid, stays in touch
And Doth I protest too much?

- Postado por: Sméagol às 23h02
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This is for you, lieverd!

I Knew I Loved You

Maybe it's intuition
But some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
And there it goes
I think I've found my best friend

I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There's just no rhyme or reason
Only this sense of completion
And in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I'm searching for
I think I've found my best friend

I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I've found you

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

- Postado por: Sméagol às 22h47
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HAPPY FIRST MONTH ANNIVERSSARY ! ! !

August 02nd ... That’s when we first made contact. A new start...  And a definite one. I think I never was so sure of what I want, of whom I want to be with... About where I want to be with him.. Well.. Wish it was here in my beautiful loved country. Unfortunatelly, for immediate future it won’t be possible.
Thank you love, for this whole month together.We will have many more months and years to celebrate...=)

 IK HOU VAN JOU !

Future brings brighter days for both of us. I am sure.
Soundtrack for today: “Come What May”(Moulin Rouge) ; “Head Over Feet”(Alanis); “I knew I Loved you before I met you” (Savage Garden)

- Postado por: Sméagol às 22h35
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About yesterday... My cousin just arrived from her trip, wich makes me happy because she’s the only one in my family I feel some connection with. Despite the stupid conversations about god with my mother (who insists is saying I’m a rebel because I don’t believe in god the way she does) an some other little things, in general, things are ok. I could read a little my last year’s journal, and could realize that I was very imature at some points, and I still am... There are so many things in me that I have to improve, so many things!
The best part of the day was when my love called me... I wasn’t expecting at all, and that surprise fillled my day with happyness. It’s just so good to hear his voice, and feel in every single word tenderness and love. If he only knew how happy he makes me!
About the school: I know I have to sell it as fast as I can, but my mother keeps on insisting in not selling it. She doesn’t understand the financial situation of the school, or, if she does, she pretends to be really dumb! I have decided to get out of here, and I have all the support from Barbra and Fritz. To travel, I depend on the money I  might get from selling the school. Is my mother trying to hold me here? Would she do that? She knows that if I stay, I will go nowhere, bankrupt. I don’t know, but I think she’s kind of egotist.. I am starting to think she wants me here to help her and the rest of the family... I know what I want, but I am a little lost about what to do to reach it.
Gosh.. When will all this be over?!!?!??!!?


- Postado por: Sméagol às 15h56
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